Phoenix Feelings

Long time no see. A lot has happened since I last sat at my computer and tried to paint a picture of the world which I am trying so desperately to find my footing in. A new year has started, an old year has ended. There have been some incredible highs, and some earth-shattering lows, and many many moments in between. I hope to be able to tell you all about them soon. That the words will continue to flow as they did when I started this, but it may be slow. Please, bear with me. I am writing, bit by bit it is all coming together. I don’t know when any of it will be finished. But I hope when it is, you’ll all be here to read it. Hopefully the gap between posts will shrink, as there is much to say. Until then, here’s what my world looks like right now.

The world is burning down around me. There is an eerie glow on the horizon as the sky darkens, a sunset to the North and East specifically for those who live close to the burning underbrush which rivals the sun as it takes its place behind the haze. Every morning new fires add their gray smoke to the dust-filled air that has forced a cough deep into my lungs that I may never be able to shake.

The farmers are burning their fields.

As the Earth becomes blacker and blacker around my feet, I cannot help but see a moment of rebirth. Like a phoenix reborn from its own ashes, small green shoots have already begun to poke their way through the dry soil and ash which try so hard to stifle they life they so yearn to find above the surface.

It’s a new year. A new decade. A new moment of life every morning my eyes open to the white netting above my bed and my dog scratches at the door desperate to see what is new in this ever-changing landscape today.

Twice, the path of my bicycle has taken me through the flames that are slowly eating away at my new home. The heat from the fire licked my cheeks, and floating bits of ash moved over my head carried by the wind which have replaced the rain until they are replaced by the scorching sun. Both of these times I have come out the other side of the fire feeling like part of my old self has melted away. My own personal phoenix rising.

It’s naive of me to think this fire will leave me permanently changed. That the heat which they wrap around the dead and dying vegetation like nooses will leave any lasting impression in my brain. In time the scar will even fade from the earth around me. Tall stalks of corn and soybeans will grow once again. I know this only because this is tradition. This is not the first time the Earth has burned here. And it won’t be the last. Whether this is good or bad I don’t know. I dare not make that judgement.

All I know is this. Through the fire, through the scorched earth, through the winds which whip smoke into my eyes, I still ride. Though the road slowly is becoming more like the soft sand of a beach, threatening to knock me from my bicycle at any moment, it has yet to throw me. There are times when I must get off and wade through the loose soil until I find solid footing again. But sooner or later I’m on my way again. Leaving behind me the blackened ground, the ruby red flames, and some piece of the doubt in my mind that I’m heading in the wrong direction as I fly down the hills, cool breeze blowing back my hair, a small smile breaking across my face.